The Beginning.. of the End

This week John and I began yet another semester of school.

For me, this week, the beginning of my last semester in my little career as an undergrad has left me spinning with an overwhelmingly diverse set of feelings. Spinning round and round and round and round, I need to throw up.

There is a feeling of relief that this is my LAST semester - exhale I can breathe. I have made it.. finally! This brings joy to my heart!

Then there is the feeling of laziness.. I'm so close to being done - can't you people just give me my damn piece of paper now? Do I have to take statistics?

Then the feeling sets in that I am standing at some great precipice, I'm done. I have a degree, so now what? Ok, masters makes sense, the papers are in the works, but can I hang in there for two more years? The more the education the better in this field, so ok its solved I'll hope to get in the masters program - but what if I don't? what then?

I feel like screaming... WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? ANYONE? SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Being the end of school also means the end of my wonderful and fun job at the museum.. I ask and hope with all my little heart daily for them to keep me on!
Which leads to feelings of fear and panic. What if they don't hire me full time, then what? What is next for me in my life path? The questions are piling over my head.. and if I pay too much attention to their looming shadows I am afraid I will drown in it.

The real world towers ahead, and I can't help but want to ask, "is it ok if I just stay here?"

I am angry for my schedule this semester. My final semester I have to take, math, statistics, Spanish and only ONE class in my actual major! Why the hell did I do this to myself? Maybe it was instinct, after this hellish semester I might just run away and never want to come back! Maybe that is how I want to feel but know I won't. If I had it to do over again, I would like to think I would do things differently, even though I probably wouldn't.

I miss art history all day everyday. Sitting in that dark room looking at images and learning about the theories, the people, the cultures, the context, the times that go along with the works is exhilarating and fascinating to me!! I guess I was meant to study this discipline despite all of my wishy washy ness about it. I am meant to do this.. this makes me feel good. I found something I love! Why ever did I think I wanted to be a dumb communication major? I'm thankful that I'm out of there!!

Then there is the feeling of sadness.. I look at my schedule and think this is my last class schedule - how sad. Last time getting a syllabus, sob. Looking ahead to the end of the semester.. this is my last presentation, my last final, my last class(what a surreal experience that will be)! Strangely I am sad.

I have really loved my experiences at school and have only realized very recently how lucky I am to have an opportunity to study and learn and become an intellectual in any subject that I choose. SO many people would do anything to have the same opportunity for themselves or for their children. It was just handed to me, a beautiful gift to educate myself and become anything I want to

...I am ashamed that it took me so long to realize this!

I am also sad that soon I won't be able to see some of my dear friends everyday.. people move.. were going global! I'll miss my dearest community!

Lastly, I am surprised. So many wonderful things happen when you don't even realize it. Only looking back can you appreciate your life thus far. I never would have guessed three or even four years ago that I would be where I am now. Life is full of surprises and it is absolutely fabulous!

Then frustration sets in, like when you are sucked into a good book or the feeling of a season ending cliff hanger - "Don't leave me in the dark!! Just tell me what is going to happen next, I'm dying here!!"

Looking forward, I know there is a forward and I know I am stepping that direction. That will have to be good enough for me right now. I'm headed where I should, maybe that is all I need.

I feel happy

excited

jittery

confident

and brave wondering and waiting for what is ahead.